One (Or Two) Sentence Reviews: May 2010

Monday, May 31, 2010

David Reviews...Playing Rock Band in the Intense Heat

Not worrying about whether or not you're going to sweat (because you already are) makes you rock out at least three hundred percent harder!

Rating: 1 full cup of sweat

David Reviews...The Eye of Judgment

The camera always stays on. It's looking at me.

Rating: It keeps calling me fat.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

David Reviews...All of the Star Wars Films All at Once

I love those two crazy robots! Where's my Timon & Pumba-esque spin-off?

Rating: 2 good movies (4 shit ones)

Saturday, May 29, 2010

David Reviews...Bright Falls

Short and to the point. Like this review.

Rating: Almost as good as LOST.

Friday, May 28, 2010

David Reviews...Drunkeness

I am os drunk right now. I hadf ,like, three or four little wine thingies.

Rating: I actually had thbree of them.

David Reviews...Music

Pictures are better.

Rating: I'm bored.

David Reviews...His Absence

I was drunk.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

David Reviews...Twitter

am eating a sandwich with mah peeps they got sandwiches too #sandwichbitch

Rating: 33 followers

David Reviews...This Photo of a Cat

Whoa! This cat is so damned tough!

Rating: Look out for kitty punches! 5 of 10 on the cuteness scale.

David Reviews...Ball Park Beef Franks

If you like 'em big and juicy, you'll need these bad boys for your next barbecue or get-together!

Rating: Like cocks of black men

David Reviews...Mini-Golf

Fun for the whole family! Except for Timmy, who has polio.

Rating: I wish my legs worked.

David Reviews...Creed

Human Clay equals best album ever. Can't wait for their ten dollah tour to hit around here.

Rating: I don't really have a joke.

Monday, May 24, 2010

David Reviews...FarmVille Vanilla Ice Cream

Totally great! Though I was more of a FarmTown guy myself, and their FarmTown Chicken & Stars is much better.

Rating: 17 out of 40

David Reviews...Life

I've had better.

Rating: (Memory of a) 1000 (Lifetimes)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Ron Reviews... LOST

Holy crap, it's over?

Rating: finale-ly.

David Reviews...LOST Finale

So LOST was an allegory of the Bible? Except the island was God and God was car exhaust?

Rating: 108

David Reviews...Pizza

It's the perfect food. Covers nearly every food group.

Rating: $11.99 plus delivery charge

David Reviews...Trader Joe's Jalapeno Pub Cheese

Delicious whipped texture with the taste of cheddar and jalapenos! A must have for any party!

Rating: 3/100

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Ron Reviews... Shaq Fu

Shaq Fu is Shaqtarded.

Rating: Chaos in the Windy City out of Shut Up and Jam!

David Reviews...Advance Wars: Days of Ruin

I miss the days when DS games either ended with the letters 'DS' or their subtitles began with the letters 'D' then 'S'. This game just reminds me of this, which saddens me.

Rating: Shit. But the other one.

David Reviews...You

You know, I know I don't say it, and I probably should, because this is just the kind of thing I should tell you, but I really like your hair. It's just really fun, you know.

Rating: 508-904-5503

Friday, May 21, 2010

A Very Special Episode of OoTSR: David Reviews...Date Rape

Get's the job done.

Rating: Two thumbs up.

Ron Reviews... Pac-man

The old bastard turned 30 today (I guess). More like, turned the same level over and over again.

Rating: lazy level design.

Ron Reviews... Starcraft II Beta

KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE... still.

Rating: 1999

Ron Reviews... One (Or Two) Sentence Reviews

You would think they would have gotten old by now.

Rating: 0 jumped sharks

David Reviews...Super Mario Galaxy 2

Ratchet & Clank did the space-themed platformer better, except they use giant murderous weapons instead of dressing up as animals and clouds, So it really comes down to preference.

Rating: 1 Cloud Suit out of 3

Thursday, May 20, 2010

David Reviews...Negaverse Party of Five Battles

I'm just straight up going to kill myself next time. Character development.

Rating: 2 (Many)

David Reviews...Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (book)

I don't think a pilgrim incited the first World War. Maybe this is a War of the Worlds prequel.

Rating: 78 Stars

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ron Reviews... The 15th Anti-Party of Five battle

This is pretty original.

Rating: (#not, #lieswetellmower)

David Reviews...Double Down

The bacon is only there to pad your death. The cheese is to smother your feelings.

Rating: 2, duh

David Reviews...Alan Rhodes

He invented dirt just so that he could bury you in it.

Rating: 107 foot tall statue

Ron Reviews... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Hey, I'mma teabag this ninja.

Rating: Turtle Soup!!!!1111

David Reviews...Halo

Good story. Could use a cliffhanger ending to really keep me ensnared.

Rating: 4

Ron Reviews... IPA

See a trend yet?

Rating: 6er.

Ron Reviews... Red Dead Redemption

How can I review a game that I don't have?

Rating: I'm drunk.

David Reviews...The DaVinci Code

DaVinci killed all those people almost five hundred years after he died? Didn't read this, but played the video game and read the back of the book.

Rating: 2 (Page chapters make you feel smart) out of 5

Ron Reviews... DnD

Many beers + elf ranger = ...

Rating: 20. Seven of them.

David Reviews...Travian

Like Animal Crossing but without the collectibles, NES games, interactions, menial tasks, cute jibber-jabber, fun world, adorable gameplay, or fun.

Rating: 1 out of 2 stars

David Reviews...Backwards Hugs

Very close to doin' it. I like it.

Rating: 1 Awkward Boner

David Reviews...Bioshock

Is this supposed to be the 60's or some shit? Where are the cowboys and pirates?

Rating: 12 Dead Little Sisters. Fuck you.

David Reviews...Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES Original)

It turns out that this game is just as fun as you remember it if you throw cheese onto the contacts before putting it into your NES.

Rating: 3 Dead Turtles (Save Donny for last)

David Reviews...Heavy Rain

You don't know who the killer is because they make shit up the whole way through so that it doesn't make any fucking sense this game is dumb David cage can't make a story period

Rating: 6 out of 6.25

David Reviews...Final Fantasy XIII

I just wish they would have the story happen in the cutscenes and not in the book thing. Also, all the characters suck.

Rating: 32 Hours of Tutorial